Jan

9

1. Do what they love. As long as it doesn’t compromises your values, principal and beliefs.

2. Do what you don’t like doing.

3. Forgive quickly; you can’t always understand why they do what they do, so don’t.

4. Compassion

5. Communication.

6. Love the togetherness, love and enjoy the feeling of togetherness even when you are apart.

7. Being considerate,  Thinking of the other person. How will my actions and non-action make them feel? Emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically.

8. Solve problems together. The level of thought that created a problem will not solve it.

9. Understand the thought behind the action in a positive way.

10. Do things as if it’s your first time.

11. Do you have the maturity, personal charter and integrity to maintain a good healthy relationship? 

12.Time apart.

13. Why do I love this person, why do I  Want them to be my life.

14. Common goals and aspirations

15. Respect and support

 

 

Now what does the all-out mean

1. Do what they love, this shows them that you are willing to sacrifice for them.  You do have to remember not to sacrifice your values, standards and principles because then it changes who you are and if you change to someone you don’t like that spells trouble for you. You can watch that chick flick, or action movie. With the kids play the games they love. it’s more about spending time with them than the activity, isn’t it.

2. This is very similar to number one, pointing to don’t likes, might be taken out the rubbish, washing the dishes, doing the yard work or help change the oil. It’s those mundane things that need to be done by someone, and if you do them it shows them that to love the other person.

3. The more we think about it, stew over it, the more angry and bitter we can become about an action that you particularly didn’t like.  In their eyes and their model the world, they don’t see the big deal. It’s easier just to forgive them because you may never work out why they did those things. How much time and energy do you lose trying to work out why someone does something? You don’t have to tell them you forgive them, because you can do it inside yourself because that’s where it really needs to happen doesn’t it. This does not mean you do not talk about it the event and what it meant to you.

4. Compassion can be defined as a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to remove all lessen their suffering. It’s also to have understanding of their pain and where their pain is coming from. but it’s not just when they’re sad or unhappy, it might be that they are angry or frustrated. What is the first instincts we have when someone is angry, is to be defensive instead compassionate and to listen without judgement. 

5. Communication is not just about conveying your message to someone it’s also about listening to someone’s else’s message to you.  The problem we humans have is we talk and listen differently from other people.  This is known as Representational Systems (rep system), this has to do with five senses but most of the communication is based on three . Visual, auditory, or kinaesthetic. The way you determine what a person is, is by the words they use.  If a person uses the words like “can’t you see where I’m coming from” they are visual.  If they say “can’t you hear what I’m saying” they are auditory.  If they say “I do not feel that were on the same page” they are kinaesthetic This is one of the biggest factors from miscommunication in relationships and life in general because we miss what the other person is saying because were not on the same wavelength. If your speech in a visual language to an auditory person there will be miscommunication.  Stephen Covey has a saying “seek to understand before being understood”.  He says when someone tells you something, you feedback to them what you think they said.  This helps you understand what the person said by them correct in you or affirming that’s what they said.  What you need to do is let them know by saying I just want to make sure and have a clear in my mind this.  They may think you’re an idiot.  Or you could explain the whole rep system think to them. We do have a problem with your partner, a friend, family and yourself you need to make it clear on what they said, what they meant and what it means to you.  How many times have you said something, and it didn’t come out quite as you planed.

6. This can be a bit ambiguous, how can you be together when you are not.  When you are together, you create a moment, and when you create that moment it becomes a memory.  As long as you have that memory and there is an emotion attached to the memory, you always have togetherness. This memory or moment can be the negative or positive, and that is why you can still feel connected to your ex-partner. There are holistic processes that actually removed this negative connection.  In addition, when you are together love them and I don’t mean the emotional thing, I mean the DOING word, show them you love them by doing things for them and with them. Having common interests, things you like to do together and spend time with each out, and I don’t mean the bedroom. They don’t have to be expensive and complex things that might just be sitting outside watching the sun go down, given each other and massage, to the dishes together, cooking.

7. When you use to being one, it takes a lot of thought process to think two, it’s a matter of having in the back your mind the other person’s reactions to what you’re doing, to think will this is affect one or two.  Even a simple thing of going to the hardware store on the way home will have an effect; it will rob time that they may spend with you and that they see as important.  Again, this is where communication is important to let them know what is happening.  What will my actions or not actions do to influence the relationship?

8. It is send that the mind that created the problem cannot solve the problem. One must grow in their awareness and knowledge to solve the problem.  This is why people turn to books, friends, therapists and even God to get awareness and knowledge to be able to solve a problem. When you’re in a relationship one person may not be able to solve it but together a solution can be achieved. it goes back to the old saying two heads are better than one,  cannot two levels of thinking solve a problem that only level 1 created.

9. If the child picked a wild flower of the nature strip and gave it to you what would that mean to you?  If your partner did the same thing would mean the same thing.  Would you think, what a cheap skate or should you think they talk the time and stop and pick a flower for me.  Another common one years, that is too expensive we cannot afford that. Are you not worth it they seem to think so.

10. Do you remember the first time you held hands, into each other’s eyes and kissed. The first present to give or received, the first time you smile or lasted their jokes, made them laugh The feelings the emotions and thoughts that you had when this all happened.  As time goes on these things become part of everyday life, we get accustomed to them, we are used to seeing it, feeling it and hearing it. Complacency then set in. Imagine being married 50 years and every time your partner touches your hand and its feels like the first time, what thoughts and feelings and emotions would that creates.  Compared to him or her holding your hand for the millionth time, it would be a bit dull.

11. Relationships take responsibility, maturity and work to be successful. this is something that each person in the relationship has to do, if one or both are not willing or able to do what it takes to make it work, they should not be in that relationship.  People that lack the character and responsibility to give of themselves to others and be responsible for what they do or don’t do in the relationship.  they often wonder why they can’t find or hold on to a partner.  Some people want the feeling and pleasure a relationship can bring, just they don’t appreciate the responsibility they take on when someone else walks into their life.

12. Being with each other all the time is great at the start.  But you still need your me time, this is the time you spend doing what you wanted do without having to worry about your partner and their happiness, going out with the boys, girls night out, round of golf, whatever you like to do alone or with others.  It is always good to share your experiences of your “me time” as well when you are together.  Me time may seem selfish but it’s a necessity for a mental health, for some, it’s may be their lifeline to sanity.

13. The “why” question, humans always need a reason to do something, sometimes we understand it, sometimes it’s conscious and sometimes it’s a subconscious.  Why do you love this person, why do you want this person in your life.  I have had clients say “I just do” professionally this doesn’t sit with me, I do appreciate it at a personal level. Sometimes you just can’t put your finger on the why. I do see a necessity to have an understanding of the why. Most times I have to lead them in to the answers without giving them the answer, is it because it’s usually a good leading to get more specific to what the why is.  Most times the client leaves knowing the why, there are a few exceptions but still walkout thinking “ I just do” not sure if they want to know what the wider use or for a truly important to them they just have this feeling inside and they’re happy with that.  Is your “why” things they do, the way they act, the way they make you feel, the way they hold you, kiss you, say kind words to you, make you laugh, make you smile, is it the energy, their companionship, their friendship, their love, the kindness.  What is your why and why is it special to you.  Because the why only has to be special to you, and no one else could, as they don’t see, hear, and feel the world the way you do, do they.

14. Common goals and aspirations are a different thing to common interests.  This is something that together you want to achieve has a couple.  Even if you are just dating a common goal might be to learn to dance, to a better travelling.  Greater goals and aspirations of couples could be wealth, health, something spiritual, planning a family or even where to live. If one person wants to live on the coast and you on a farm this could be an issue.

15. Respect and support is important.  A person’s meaning of respect in a relationship will vary; this meaning will depend on their values and beliefs.  To look away when someone is talking to you a person may find this respectful, but in their culture looking at a person while they are speaking made big this respectful. So again, communication is very important to determine what is respectful and what is not.  How would you treat someone you don’t respect, I bet it would not be with love and tenderness.  Some people find being late to things disrespectful, others may not. However, there is a general code of respect we should hold for people and that’s what we should aim to have as a minimal standard.  This is known as the Golden rule: do unto others, as you want them to do to you. To be supportive of your partner is important as it makes them feel special and love.  It gives them certainty that when the chips are down there will be someone there to guard their back, to encourage them through the hard times and help them see the light of day.  To believe in them of what they can do, and have the potential to be.