Jan

11

Relationships are full of emotions in both positive and negative, our thoughts and behaviours in relationships are governed by emotions more than any other thing. We need mastery of these things in order to truly appreciate a relationship, truly appreciate the other person and more to the point to truly appreciate ourselves in the way of our thoughts, our feelings and out actions towards others and ourselves.

Would not you rather have more passion in your relationship and not have that passion be overridden by frustration, remorse, selfishness.  How much passion(positive emotions) is lost because our negative emotions control us rather than we control them.

I want you for a moment to think about the relationship you have and the relationships you had.  How have you let your negative emotions rule you, have your let negative emotions destroy what was once wonderful.  Are you not the driver of your bus and the emotions your passengers.  You are the one who stopped the bus to let them on and off at particular points along your route, they do not tell you when to stop, do they.

Jan

11

The first step to finding or even having a great relationship is changing the way we think about love and relationships. To change the way we think we need to learn to let go of the past, this means getting rid of the old way of thinking that no longer serves us. Too many times we hold on to old way of thinking and old habits. This will prevent us from changing who we need to be, which in turn will stop us from having the relationship we want and need in our life.

Does not a grumpy old man needs to go inside and change the meanings he has about his life, to let go of past meanings that no longer serve them but are currently hurting him to let love into his heart and joy into his life. It is said we cannot project outside of ourselves what is not inside us. How can we give strawberries when there is only weeds in our paddocks. We can go inside the fences of our heart, and pull out the weeds and plate new seeds. Then enjoying the fruits of the harvest and then share the harvest with others

It will change your life if you want to.

Jan

11

Relationships is something everybody wants in a life, some finding that easy to obtain, others struggle to have the person in our lives. Lots has been written and said in the area of relationships. When you looked at all the facts it comes down to some simple things. Who am I, what do I want in my life, what do I need in my life.

Who am I:- will determine who you attract. This is more to do with the personality side of rather than the physical. I heard it once said the physical will catch the eye and the personality will catch the heart. If you, are not attracting the right person in your life, you might have to look inside and see “who you are”. You see shows like beauty and the geek, these show have really hit home this saying. For it is “who you are” that will dictate your behaviours towards yourself and others. Just think about how you acted at certain time of the life and the men or women that were attracted to you. Were they the one you wanted in your life, to have a relationship with. Sometimes we behave in a way to have short relationships to suit our needs at that time such as one night stands. “Who am I” to attract the man or woman of your dreams, your hearts, your mind and your soul, what would need to change inside to become a person to attract that person.

What do I want in my life:-this starts to look at the attributes of the other person, am I looking for someone fun, something short term, long time, something physical, something emotional. What type a statement do I want to make with this person by my side. They say that wants are an extension of what we don’t have and can be a very selfish trait. You have to understand why you want that “want”. She has to be beautiful “why”, he has to have rock cut abs “why” she has to love dancing “why”. Understanding the “why” will help you determine whether it is a selfish trait or not. Wanting something particular in a partner can be a good thing as long as it is not selfish. If you love dancing why would you want someone that did not like dancing. If beauty was important to you then why would you want someone ugly. If you wanted someone smarts why would you want someone not educated. What do I want in my life and who will help me fulfil it ?

What do I needs in my life: – this looks at creating a balance, to help one grow, to learn to understand. These are things that you do not normally look for or seek, they seemed to just fall in your lap. You really have to step back and look at your life hard to see what you need in your life and see how a partner can compliment this. I do not need a nagging wife, it is her that reminds you and prompts you to get things done doesn’t she. I do not need rowdy children, will this not teach you calm, patients and compassion. It is said “sometimes in life we do not get what we want we get what we need”. And this was very much the case in my first marriage, I just did not see it at the time. So what do you need in your life.

An NLP practitioner said once, most relationship breakdown due to poor communication and negative anchors. And when I looked at my own life I could see the validity of that statement.

Every human communicates slightly different to another and this will cause misconceptions of what is said and heard. Once you understand the mismatches you can recalibrate the way you listen and the way you need to talk, I learnt this when I did my NLP training. Stephen Covey in his book 7 habits mentioned we listened to what a person says and then say it back to them see if we interpreted the information correctly.

Negative anchors, an anchor is a link to an event through a particular stimuli, the stimuli can be visual, or auditory or kinesthetic(feeling or touch), smell or taste. Have you ever heard song that took you back to your first kiss, or smelled something baking and remembered grandmas kitchen. These are anchors or exactly a positive anchor. If you look at your partner and are reminded of more negative events than positive what would you think this would do to your relationship. These negative events happened regardless if it’s related to the relationship or just bad days at work. For example you come home grumpy and see your wife’s face, if this happens time and time again, in time you seeing your wife’s face will make you grumpy. her face being a visual anchor to the grumpy emotion. Negative anchors can be removed through a NLP processes. A simple thing you can do is replace and negative anchor with firing off a positive anchor. If you come home grumpy and you hug your wife this will fire day positive anchor. Hugging is has a positive emotion and meaning behind it that will stop a negative anchor forming.

Jan

9

1. Do what they love. As long as it doesn’t compromises your values, principal and beliefs.

2. Do what you don’t like doing.

3. Forgive quickly; you can’t always understand why they do what they do, so don’t.

4. Compassion

5. Communication.

6. Love the togetherness, love and enjoy the feeling of togetherness even when you are apart.

7. Being considerate,  Thinking of the other person. How will my actions and non-action make them feel? Emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically.

8. Solve problems together. The level of thought that created a problem will not solve it.

9. Understand the thought behind the action in a positive way.

10. Do things as if it’s your first time.

11. Do you have the maturity, personal charter and integrity to maintain a good healthy relationship? 

12.Time apart.

13. Why do I love this person, why do I  Want them to be my life.

14. Common goals and aspirations

15. Respect and support

 

 

Now what does the all-out mean

1. Do what they love, this shows them that you are willing to sacrifice for them.  You do have to remember not to sacrifice your values, standards and principles because then it changes who you are and if you change to someone you don’t like that spells trouble for you. You can watch that chick flick, or action movie. With the kids play the games they love. it’s more about spending time with them than the activity, isn’t it.

2. This is very similar to number one, pointing to don’t likes, might be taken out the rubbish, washing the dishes, doing the yard work or help change the oil. It’s those mundane things that need to be done by someone, and if you do them it shows them that to love the other person.

3. The more we think about it, stew over it, the more angry and bitter we can become about an action that you particularly didn’t like.  In their eyes and their model the world, they don’t see the big deal. It’s easier just to forgive them because you may never work out why they did those things. How much time and energy do you lose trying to work out why someone does something? You don’t have to tell them you forgive them, because you can do it inside yourself because that’s where it really needs to happen doesn’t it. This does not mean you do not talk about it the event and what it meant to you.

4. Compassion can be defined as a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to remove all lessen their suffering. It’s also to have understanding of their pain and where their pain is coming from. but it’s not just when they’re sad or unhappy, it might be that they are angry or frustrated. What is the first instincts we have when someone is angry, is to be defensive instead compassionate and to listen without judgement. 

5. Communication is not just about conveying your message to someone it’s also about listening to someone’s else’s message to you.  The problem we humans have is we talk and listen differently from other people.  This is known as Representational Systems (rep system), this has to do with five senses but most of the communication is based on three . Visual, auditory, or kinaesthetic. The way you determine what a person is, is by the words they use.  If a person uses the words like “can’t you see where I’m coming from” they are visual.  If they say “can’t you hear what I’m saying” they are auditory.  If they say “I do not feel that were on the same page” they are kinaesthetic This is one of the biggest factors from miscommunication in relationships and life in general because we miss what the other person is saying because were not on the same wavelength. If your speech in a visual language to an auditory person there will be miscommunication.  Stephen Covey has a saying “seek to understand before being understood”.  He says when someone tells you something, you feedback to them what you think they said.  This helps you understand what the person said by them correct in you or affirming that’s what they said.  What you need to do is let them know by saying I just want to make sure and have a clear in my mind this.  They may think you’re an idiot.  Or you could explain the whole rep system think to them. We do have a problem with your partner, a friend, family and yourself you need to make it clear on what they said, what they meant and what it means to you.  How many times have you said something, and it didn’t come out quite as you planed.

6. This can be a bit ambiguous, how can you be together when you are not.  When you are together, you create a moment, and when you create that moment it becomes a memory.  As long as you have that memory and there is an emotion attached to the memory, you always have togetherness. This memory or moment can be the negative or positive, and that is why you can still feel connected to your ex-partner. There are holistic processes that actually removed this negative connection.  In addition, when you are together love them and I don’t mean the emotional thing, I mean the DOING word, show them you love them by doing things for them and with them. Having common interests, things you like to do together and spend time with each out, and I don’t mean the bedroom. They don’t have to be expensive and complex things that might just be sitting outside watching the sun go down, given each other and massage, to the dishes together, cooking.

7. When you use to being one, it takes a lot of thought process to think two, it’s a matter of having in the back your mind the other person’s reactions to what you’re doing, to think will this is affect one or two.  Even a simple thing of going to the hardware store on the way home will have an effect; it will rob time that they may spend with you and that they see as important.  Again, this is where communication is important to let them know what is happening.  What will my actions or not actions do to influence the relationship?

8. It is send that the mind that created the problem cannot solve the problem. One must grow in their awareness and knowledge to solve the problem.  This is why people turn to books, friends, therapists and even God to get awareness and knowledge to be able to solve a problem. When you’re in a relationship one person may not be able to solve it but together a solution can be achieved. it goes back to the old saying two heads are better than one,  cannot two levels of thinking solve a problem that only level 1 created.

9. If the child picked a wild flower of the nature strip and gave it to you what would that mean to you?  If your partner did the same thing would mean the same thing.  Would you think, what a cheap skate or should you think they talk the time and stop and pick a flower for me.  Another common one years, that is too expensive we cannot afford that. Are you not worth it they seem to think so.

10. Do you remember the first time you held hands, into each other’s eyes and kissed. The first present to give or received, the first time you smile or lasted their jokes, made them laugh The feelings the emotions and thoughts that you had when this all happened.  As time goes on these things become part of everyday life, we get accustomed to them, we are used to seeing it, feeling it and hearing it. Complacency then set in. Imagine being married 50 years and every time your partner touches your hand and its feels like the first time, what thoughts and feelings and emotions would that creates.  Compared to him or her holding your hand for the millionth time, it would be a bit dull.

11. Relationships take responsibility, maturity and work to be successful. this is something that each person in the relationship has to do, if one or both are not willing or able to do what it takes to make it work, they should not be in that relationship.  People that lack the character and responsibility to give of themselves to others and be responsible for what they do or don’t do in the relationship.  they often wonder why they can’t find or hold on to a partner.  Some people want the feeling and pleasure a relationship can bring, just they don’t appreciate the responsibility they take on when someone else walks into their life.

12. Being with each other all the time is great at the start.  But you still need your me time, this is the time you spend doing what you wanted do without having to worry about your partner and their happiness, going out with the boys, girls night out, round of golf, whatever you like to do alone or with others.  It is always good to share your experiences of your “me time” as well when you are together.  Me time may seem selfish but it’s a necessity for a mental health, for some, it’s may be their lifeline to sanity.

13. The “why” question, humans always need a reason to do something, sometimes we understand it, sometimes it’s conscious and sometimes it’s a subconscious.  Why do you love this person, why do you want this person in your life.  I have had clients say “I just do” professionally this doesn’t sit with me, I do appreciate it at a personal level. Sometimes you just can’t put your finger on the why. I do see a necessity to have an understanding of the why. Most times I have to lead them in to the answers without giving them the answer, is it because it’s usually a good leading to get more specific to what the why is.  Most times the client leaves knowing the why, there are a few exceptions but still walkout thinking “ I just do” not sure if they want to know what the wider use or for a truly important to them they just have this feeling inside and they’re happy with that.  Is your “why” things they do, the way they act, the way they make you feel, the way they hold you, kiss you, say kind words to you, make you laugh, make you smile, is it the energy, their companionship, their friendship, their love, the kindness.  What is your why and why is it special to you.  Because the why only has to be special to you, and no one else could, as they don’t see, hear, and feel the world the way you do, do they.

14. Common goals and aspirations are a different thing to common interests.  This is something that together you want to achieve has a couple.  Even if you are just dating a common goal might be to learn to dance, to a better travelling.  Greater goals and aspirations of couples could be wealth, health, something spiritual, planning a family or even where to live. If one person wants to live on the coast and you on a farm this could be an issue.

15. Respect and support is important.  A person’s meaning of respect in a relationship will vary; this meaning will depend on their values and beliefs.  To look away when someone is talking to you a person may find this respectful, but in their culture looking at a person while they are speaking made big this respectful. So again, communication is very important to determine what is respectful and what is not.  How would you treat someone you don’t respect, I bet it would not be with love and tenderness.  Some people find being late to things disrespectful, others may not. However, there is a general code of respect we should hold for people and that’s what we should aim to have as a minimal standard.  This is known as the Golden rule: do unto others, as you want them to do to you. To be supportive of your partner is important as it makes them feel special and love.  It gives them certainty that when the chips are down there will be someone there to guard their back, to encourage them through the hard times and help them see the light of day.  To believe in them of what they can do, and have the potential to be.

Jan

9

Someone asked “is it better to be alone for the right reasons than with some for the wrong reasons”. A panellist responded with “Connection and love is one of the basic human needs, and a lot of times we don’t care how that need is met if I need to be on drugs to be with this person that’s fine with me, is what some people think. If I have to sleep with them to keep him I would do it, and I hear this a lot from my teenage female clients. And I know a lot of people would rather be alone for the right reasons why get tangled up in the Web that isn’t good for you, but we all don’t think like that. A relationship must leave a more positive impression than a negative. But some time we have to look deep and hard for those positives or the right reasons for being there in that relationship, for as human we seam to see and dwell on the negative which inturn over shadow the positives, but in time we come to see them and realise them.”

Jan

9

It just occurred to me was spent a whole life trying to master dating, relationships and that type of stuff.  How do you master something that is always changing and rearranging.  As we go through our lives and depending on the experiences we have it will create change in us, this means something happens and it shifts the way we think and does creating change in our life.  In addition, when this change occurs we are no longer the same person we were five minutes ago.  Our partners would have to adapt to these changes big or small, failing to adapt to these changes creates stresses and pressure on the relationship. In addition, some times this creates a rift to great for people to be together any more. The rules of dating and relationships seem to change all the time.  You open a door for one woman she smiles and thank you, another woman will abuse you.  Therefore, we must not try to master it; we must appreciate its movement throughout lives and adapt ourselves to its flow.  Hold on tight when changes come, adapt yourself to that change or will ride it out for that moment in time. You control the people you date, the relationships you have, even how long it will last. You have to appreciate that you cannot control how the other person will be in a relationship and still be true to them.  If you want to plant a fruit tree, you control what type of tree, where you are going to plant it. You control how you nurture it, prune it and watch it grow.  You have to appreciate that you can not control how fast it grows, how much fruit it bears or exactly when it will bear that fruit.  For when it does bear fruit and the fruit is good you can enjoy it, can’t you.  So striving for the all the answers about relationships dating and the like, will take up valuable time and resources and you may miss some good fruit.  So learn what you need to learn and grow, to remember most growth is due to experience in how life. We may mask the different aspects of dating and relationships, these aspects are with in us. Our personality, appearance, thoughts and behaviours are things we can master and should master, if we choose to. When we do master these things, we will have a dating experience we want and the relationships we need and want.