Relationships is something everybody wants in a life, some finding that easy to obtain, others struggle to have the person in our lives. Lots has been written and said in the area of relationships. When you looked at all the facts it comes down to some simple things. Who am I, what do I want in my life, what do I need in my life.

Who am I:- will determine who you attract. This is more to do with the personality side of rather than the physical. I heard it once said the physical will catch the eye and the personality will catch the heart. If you, are not attracting the right person in your life, you might have to look inside and see “who you are”. You see shows like beauty and the geek, these show have really hit home this saying. For it is “who you are” that will dictate your behaviours towards yourself and others. Just think about how you acted at certain time of the life and the men or women that were attracted to you. Were they the one you wanted in your life, to have a relationship with. Sometimes we behave in a way to have short relationships to suit our needs at that time such as one night stands. “Who am I” to attract the man or woman of your dreams, your hearts, your mind and your soul, what would need to change inside to become a person to attract that person.

What do I want in my life:-this starts to look at the attributes of the other person, am I looking for someone fun, something short term, long time, something physical, something emotional. What type a statement do I want to make with this person by my side. They say that wants are an extension of what we don’t have and can be a very selfish trait. You have to understand why you want that “want”. She has to be beautiful “why”, he has to have rock cut abs “why” she has to love dancing “why”. Understanding the “why” will help you determine whether it is a selfish trait or not. Wanting something particular in a partner can be a good thing as long as it is not selfish. If you love dancing why would you want someone that did not like dancing. If beauty was important to you then why would you want someone ugly. If you wanted someone smarts why would you want someone not educated. What do I want in my life and who will help me fulfil it ?

What do I needs in my life: – this looks at creating a balance, to help one grow, to learn to understand. These are things that you do not normally look for or seek, they seemed to just fall in your lap. You really have to step back and look at your life hard to see what you need in your life and see how a partner can compliment this. I do not need a nagging wife, it is her that reminds you and prompts you to get things done doesn’t she. I do not need rowdy children, will this not teach you calm, patients and compassion. It is said “sometimes in life we do not get what we want we get what we need”. And this was very much the case in my first marriage, I just did not see it at the time. So what do you need in your life.

An NLP practitioner said once, most relationship breakdown due to poor communication and negative anchors. And when I looked at my own life I could see the validity of that statement.

Every human communicates slightly different to another and this will cause misconceptions of what is said and heard. Once you understand the mismatches you can recalibrate the way you listen and the way you need to talk, I learnt this when I did my NLP training. Stephen Covey in his book 7 habits mentioned we listened to what a person says and then say it back to them see if we interpreted the information correctly.

Negative anchors, an anchor is a link to an event through a particular stimuli, the stimuli can be visual, or auditory or kinesthetic(feeling or touch), smell or taste. Have you ever heard song that took you back to your first kiss, or smelled something baking and remembered grandmas kitchen. These are anchors or exactly a positive anchor. If you look at your partner and are reminded of more negative events than positive what would you think this would do to your relationship. These negative events happened regardless if it’s related to the relationship or just bad days at work. For example you come home grumpy and see your wife’s face, if this happens time and time again, in time you seeing your wife’s face will make you grumpy. her face being a visual anchor to the grumpy emotion. Negative anchors can be removed through a NLP processes. A simple thing you can do is replace and negative anchor with firing off a positive anchor. If you come home grumpy and you hug your wife this will fire day positive anchor. Hugging is has a positive emotion and meaning behind it that will stop a negative anchor forming.